While we wish the holidays were all merry and bright, more often they’re a pressure cooker for family drama (just ask the writers of The Family Stone, or A Bad Moms Christmas). From political differences to passive-aggressive comments about your career, relationships, or general life direction, it’s easy to feel drained before dessert. But what if it didn’t have to be that way? 

The goal isn't just to "survive" the season—it's to protect your energy and create moments of peace for yourself. Instead of letting tensions take over, we want you to walk into the season with a plan to protect your peace in the face of unresolved issues or unsolicited life advice. No more regressing to your younger self, no more readopting familial dynamics that do not serve you. 

To help you navigate, we tapped into the wisdom of a zillennial therapist who’s seen it all. Blake Song, M.A., clinical psychology doctoral student and psychotherapist-in-training, advises on staying grounded when the chaos kicks in; setting boundaries that actually stick, and mastering the art of graceful exits from uncomfortable conversations. So, if you’re ready to approach this holiday season with less stress and more self-assurance, keep reading. Your mental health (and future self) will thank you.

Why do we so often revert to old roles when we gather with family? How do we avoid this?

When we reunite with family, we might just find ourselves returning to the roles we became familiar with in the past. And that makes a lot of sense considering that we are reuniting with decades of experiences and countless memories of growing up within this family system. 

I would encourage those who are looking to address this dynamic to start by simply observing what thoughts and emotions are coming up for them in these situations. Our awareness of our subjective experiences can really help us start to develop an effective “game plan” for change.

How can we set healthy boundaries with family members who may not respect them?

If we’re entering into situations where we notice our boundaries and feelings are not being respected, this might be a “warning sign” for us to take a step back and gather ourselves before responding. 

A few tips that might help with communicating our concerns in these situations: Describe the facts of the situation, express your feelings by using “I statements”, and clearly state your needs/requests that would address the facts of this situation. Just remember to remain focused on your goal of communicating your concerns and know the limits of what you’re willing to negotiate on! It may be helpful to acknowledge the other person(s) if they honor your request too. 

How can I handle uncomfortable conversations or questions from family about my personal life?

Preparation can be a great way to proactively manage the pressures in times like this (and in many other uncomfortable situations). You might want to consider questions such as the following: What topics are you willing to discuss? What topics are off limits for you? What details do you feel are most important for you to communicate? What are your personal values and how can you embody these in your interactions? The answers to these questions are probably different for us all, so I encourage taking the time to reflect on these kinds of questions if possible.

What’s the best way to navigate family disagreements or heated discussions in a calm, healthy way? 

Family disagreements can be tough to handle as they are often emotionally evoking in many ways. There probably isn’t necessarily a one-size-fits-all “best way” to address these kinds of situations. But it can be quite helpful to start by being intentionally kind to ourselves in these moments. If it’s a “heated” discussion, take the temperature of the room, take the temperature of your emotions, and consider taking a pause to allow that temperature to cool down a bit if needed. If we’re consciously making steps towards taking care of ourselves, we’re probably putting ourselves in a better position to respond in a “calmer” and/or “healthier” manner in general.

What are some grounding techniques I can use in the moment if I feel overwhelmed or anxious? What should I do if I feel isolated or misunderstood by family members? 

A few grounding techniques that may be helpful include: deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, and using sensory imagery activities to promote aspects of mindfulness. There are plenty of wonderful guided videos on YouTube that can help facilitate these practices!

What are some self-care practices or safe spaces I can prioritize over the holidays to maintain my mental health?

It can also be helpful to do a quick, non-judgmental inventory of various aspects of your overall wellbeing (e.g. physical health, personal hygiene, eating and sleeping, exercise, consumption of mood altering substances) to assess if any areas of your health and wellness could use a bit more care.

For immediate support call the Mental Health Hotline at (833) 454-3516. Every call is confidential and free.